Up until this point my story it has been lived by me and delivered to you in writing by somebody else due to the fact that I have been in prison for several years following a relapse. For a while I considered allowing that person to continue to write my story for me, however, I feel that a story is best told by the person who lived it.
By this time in my life I was completely defeated and was willing to do whatever I needed to do in order to stop suffering so I entered into the treatment facility that my sister got me into with a level of humility that I hadn't felt in a long time. I fought against myself for far too long and I was done fighting. When I arrived at the treatment facility it was a whirlwind of questions and intake procedures so by the time it was all finished I was exhausted and soon after being given some detox medications I was out for the count for several hours. When I woke up the next day I was directed to a group that was filled with firefighters as this was just a couple of months following the 9/11 tragedy and the facility I was in had a contract with the unions in New Jersey and New York. Many of the individuals in this particular group were all healthy and vibrant looking and I was hung over and still feeling quite miserable. I remember feeling out of place which was a familiar feeling to me as for much of my life up until this point I felt like I didn't belong. One thing I did know, however, was that if I fought through this initial feeling I could begin to feel better also and that is exactly what I did. My anxiety was at an all time high and I just dug my heals in and fought through the feelings of inadequacy knowing there was a reprieve on the horizon. I could see these other people smiling and enjoying their experience and I knew that if it was possible for them then it was possible for me as well. My first couple of weeks at this facility was kind of a blur but through following the schedule and going through the motions I began to gain enough clarity to see that I needed to change everything about my life and the ways in which I viewed the world if I was to find success in overcoming my alcoholism. I could see that if I was to be successful I had to completely allow myself to be remade and I knew that the only way to accomplish this was to allow myself to be led by those who were tasked with helping me get my life together. That may seem obvious to many of you reading this but my story was always written by my needing to do things my way and that never worked out for me but I continued to do it my anyway. I settled into my realization and executed accordingly and over time my life began to improve. I was feeling good and after being there for a while I was one of those healthy looking smiling faces that I saw when I first got there. I had people that were new coming up to me and asking me for direction and I started to develop into a leader in that treatment community as I approached my graduation from the program. One of the individuals who approached me was a guy who I will call "Chris". His father was a police officer and was murdered while working which gave this guy access to several hundred thousand dollars and this particular guy was a heroin addict. The first time I saw "Chris" he was in a group playing with a lighter and was burning the frayed ends off of his shorts and due to the fact that he was severely medicated for his withdraw symptoms he nearly caught himself on fire. I remember laughing so hard and I remember liking this guy immediately. Over the next couple of weeks Chris and I became very close and, just like me, the light began to come on inside of him as well. We both were taking our recovery very seriously and we took every suggestion that was given to us. For me, one of the suggestions was to consider no longer working for myself and I was directed to look into going to college which I did. I was also given an opportunity to move into a condo that was owned by the treatment facility, which I did, and I began working for my sponsor as an account executive for a venture capital firm where we were raising money for an online casino. My life was coming together nicely as I was a young and healthy college student with a nice condo and a good job. It was the first time in my life that I had a secretary which I thought was cool and I really felt like a Big Shot. I was attending a lot of AA meetings and I was feeling pretty good overall. I was dating and by all accounts my life was coming together as if I hadn't made a million bad choices and wasn't someone sick with alcoholism. I was recovering! After a while Chris moved in right next door to me and we began spending a lot of time together and since he successfully completed treatment he was given access to his trust fund which, of course, was cause for celebration so Chris bought me my first tattoo. I got a Celtic cross on my left arm to denote my pride in my Irish heritage and this tattoo was one of two choices that placed Chris indelibly into my mind. The second choice was much more insidious and led me to years of pain and suffering that only those who have survived hell on earth could ever tell you about.
Thank you all for your continued support and, as always, I look forward to reading your comments. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me, Bryan Hullihen, and I will always respond.
Your Friend,
Bryan Hullihen
By this time in my life I was completely defeated and was willing to do whatever I needed to do in order to stop suffering so I entered into the treatment facility that my sister got me into with a level of humility that I hadn't felt in a long time. I fought against myself for far too long and I was done fighting. When I arrived at the treatment facility it was a whirlwind of questions and intake procedures so by the time it was all finished I was exhausted and soon after being given some detox medications I was out for the count for several hours. When I woke up the next day I was directed to a group that was filled with firefighters as this was just a couple of months following the 9/11 tragedy and the facility I was in had a contract with the unions in New Jersey and New York. Many of the individuals in this particular group were all healthy and vibrant looking and I was hung over and still feeling quite miserable. I remember feeling out of place which was a familiar feeling to me as for much of my life up until this point I felt like I didn't belong. One thing I did know, however, was that if I fought through this initial feeling I could begin to feel better also and that is exactly what I did. My anxiety was at an all time high and I just dug my heals in and fought through the feelings of inadequacy knowing there was a reprieve on the horizon. I could see these other people smiling and enjoying their experience and I knew that if it was possible for them then it was possible for me as well. My first couple of weeks at this facility was kind of a blur but through following the schedule and going through the motions I began to gain enough clarity to see that I needed to change everything about my life and the ways in which I viewed the world if I was to find success in overcoming my alcoholism. I could see that if I was to be successful I had to completely allow myself to be remade and I knew that the only way to accomplish this was to allow myself to be led by those who were tasked with helping me get my life together. That may seem obvious to many of you reading this but my story was always written by my needing to do things my way and that never worked out for me but I continued to do it my anyway. I settled into my realization and executed accordingly and over time my life began to improve. I was feeling good and after being there for a while I was one of those healthy looking smiling faces that I saw when I first got there. I had people that were new coming up to me and asking me for direction and I started to develop into a leader in that treatment community as I approached my graduation from the program. One of the individuals who approached me was a guy who I will call "Chris". His father was a police officer and was murdered while working which gave this guy access to several hundred thousand dollars and this particular guy was a heroin addict. The first time I saw "Chris" he was in a group playing with a lighter and was burning the frayed ends off of his shorts and due to the fact that he was severely medicated for his withdraw symptoms he nearly caught himself on fire. I remember laughing so hard and I remember liking this guy immediately. Over the next couple of weeks Chris and I became very close and, just like me, the light began to come on inside of him as well. We both were taking our recovery very seriously and we took every suggestion that was given to us. For me, one of the suggestions was to consider no longer working for myself and I was directed to look into going to college which I did. I was also given an opportunity to move into a condo that was owned by the treatment facility, which I did, and I began working for my sponsor as an account executive for a venture capital firm where we were raising money for an online casino. My life was coming together nicely as I was a young and healthy college student with a nice condo and a good job. It was the first time in my life that I had a secretary which I thought was cool and I really felt like a Big Shot. I was attending a lot of AA meetings and I was feeling pretty good overall. I was dating and by all accounts my life was coming together as if I hadn't made a million bad choices and wasn't someone sick with alcoholism. I was recovering! After a while Chris moved in right next door to me and we began spending a lot of time together and since he successfully completed treatment he was given access to his trust fund which, of course, was cause for celebration so Chris bought me my first tattoo. I got a Celtic cross on my left arm to denote my pride in my Irish heritage and this tattoo was one of two choices that placed Chris indelibly into my mind. The second choice was much more insidious and led me to years of pain and suffering that only those who have survived hell on earth could ever tell you about.
Thank you all for your continued support and, as always, I look forward to reading your comments. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me, Bryan Hullihen, and I will always respond.
Your Friend,
Bryan Hullihen
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